Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
