My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
