I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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