You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
