when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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