i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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