Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
