giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
