I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
