Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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