i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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