can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
