Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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