dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
