I cannot find my penis.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
