Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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