Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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