That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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