Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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