I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
