i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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