if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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