I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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