i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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