i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
