Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
