Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
