the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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