I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
