dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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