Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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