I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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