Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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