I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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