I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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