He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
