He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
