i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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