listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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