I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
