the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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