I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
