I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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