someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
