You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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