I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
