Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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