You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
