My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
