the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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