Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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