I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
