Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
