So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
