peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
