I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
