he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
