we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
